


Hi-Deth Tartarus Vision

by Quantum_Witch



Series: Omega Tau Pi [3]
Category: Disney - Fandom, Hercules (1997)
Genre: Anachronistic, Bad Puns, Cameos, Comedy, F/M, Goddess, Gods, Greek Mythology - Freeform, Masturbation, Missing Scene, Parody, Pastiche, Separations, Slice of Life, Television Watching, Vacation, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-04
Updated: 2010-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-11 22:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quantum_Witch/pseuds/Quantum_Witch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hades just wants a damned break from his desk job, is that so much to ask? A short time sitting in front of the T.V. can fry a god's mind in more ways than one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. HDTV

**Author's Note:**

> The time frame for this story falls right between Chapter 18 and the Epilogue of "Hope Springs Eternal". There are many little references to myths and etymological jokes, as always, which can be found in the notes (chapter 2).

Hades rumbled like a volcano ready to erupt, which wasn't a new thing. Not even the smoke trailing upward from his ears was new. In fact, there seemed to be nothing new about anything. And he was really, really, really fucking tired of it.

It had been only two weeks since his new wife and queen had left to take care of the mess her mother had made of the world. Fortunately Persephone would return in another few weeks, as per the newly minted Arrangement. Which was still like sixteen ice ages in the bedroom, as far as he was concerned. Sure, he could visit anytime he wanted and oh gods how he wanted... But fuck it, they'd just started getting the Underworld organised like a real business, and he actually _wanted_ it to work out, so he had stayed and put his nose to the grindstone. Well, not really his own nose, more like a few of the damned souls over in the Hall of Infamy. The point was, he was stupidly busy. And he was restless. And when Hades got restless, things got hot and painful for _everyone_.

"My life," he muttered darkly as he shuffled through the endless papers on his desk, "is now like the middle of an olive…"

Pain and Panic looked up from their tasks (sorting files by name, location, and how amusingly gruesome the method of death).

Panic ventured, "Uh, you mean like a pimento?"

"Blech, I _hate_ those things," Pain stuck out his tongue in disgust, and this from an imp who would eat just about anything. "Did you know that some people are starting to mix them into _cheese_ and spreading it on pita bread? Waste of perfectly good cheese."

"No, boys," Hades said with resignation. "I mean _the pits_. My life is _the pits_. Olive _pits._ Oy. Yowza. I'm really off my game if that's the best I can come up with." He sighed in frustration, drumming his fingers on the desktop and his forehead. "I need a break."

Panic scrambled forward with a pot of coffee. "Caffeine always soothes me," said the perpetually jittery demon.

Hades rolled his eyes and flopped his head backward until it hit his neck. "Gods give me patience," he sighed.

"Shall we call Eirene?" Pain offered. "She's marketing this new herbal drink with chamomile, supposed to be very soothing."

"Ugh, drinking all that flowery stuff is just too fluffy for me," Hades shuddered. "Besides if I want _flowers_ I can just…" He grimaced. Oh yeah, Persephone was up top right now. No flowers. No anything fluffy. " _I despise springtime_ ," he growled dangerously. "The hell with it. I just need some ME time." Fingertips glowing like embers, he clawed sizzling marks on the desktop then pushed forcibly away from his desk, the chair splintering as it hit the back wall. He stormed away toward his private chambers, leaving a trail of ash and cracked stones in the floor.

The imps heaved sighs of relief. "I really hope he finds time to visit the missus before long," Pain said wisely. "I don't think we can afford much more new office furniture."

Panic fetched a broom. "Better call that Hermogenes guy from Priene, see if he can send someone down to re-tile the floor…"

 __

* * *

The lord of the Underworld stalked into the enormous suite he shared with his wife, and sighed heavily. He was tired and lonely and pissed off that he had so much work to do and no one to _share_ being pissed off with who could kiss his brow and put his head on their breast and make it all better again. He frowned grimly. Right now, he just needed distraction, since he wasn't getting anything more enjoyable.

Ah, there in the corner, the huge black chair he'd had carved a few years ago. It looked mostly like bones but was surprisingly comfortable. And it was a perfect spot for sitting like a lump and staring at the wall.

Okay, technically what was projected on the wall, or rather into the air. The Fates had contrived for him something similar to their Eye. It would show only the present of course, but pretty much anything Hades wanted to see, both inside and outside the Underworld. _Tartarus Vision_ , they'd called it, for some unknown reason. Possibly because watching it all day turned your brain to rancid jelly and left you half-dead.

Resigning himself to the fact that T.V. was probably the best alternative to decimating souls in the _actual_ Tartarus (he'd resolved not to do that as it deprived the Furies of their fun and when they pouted it was just plain creepy), Hades manifested a box of popcorn and a huge mug of spiked pomegranate juice and plopped onto the chair. He took up the little black box with all the buttons on it that controlled the visions for the T.V. and flicked them around as he munched and sipped and generally let his brain settle into a state of numbness.

But he soon found himself remarking aloud to the various scenes. Listening to his own voice had always been a favourite pastime, after all.

"Oy, _Grecian Idol_. Everybody and their dog wants to be a singer. Most of their dogs howl better than they do. And the judges… I mean it's better now that they've got Calliope on the show, but Orpheus is just as boring as ever." He snorted at the third judge's rather vicious assessment of a tearful young singer. "That Symeno guy, what a complete and total _bastard_." Hades chewed his popcorn thoughtfully. "Actually I kinda like him."

Flick to another scene. " _The Bachelor?_ Who the hell… It's that Adonis jackass." Hades sniggered as he watched the arrogant, handsome Prince of Thrace schmooze his way through twenty hot but hapless chicks, while clearly planning to bang them all then leave them hanging. "Yeah, just like he did to old Nutmeg. Wonder how she's doing…"

He flicked to another scene. "Ah, there she is. One of the _Real Desperate Housewives of Thebes_. Poor kid." He shook his head as his former minion snarked her way around town, among her new female friends who, from the looks of things, might not be her friends for much longer.

Flick. " _CSI: Athens_ , with Theophrastus, Strato and Philo. Faaaaaascinating. If you like long, tedious scientific explanations and a million close-up shots of cotton fibres or the grit on someone's sandal. Nope. Next."

Flick. " _Hippocrates, M.D_. Haven't seen him since he became undead. Well, _technically_ , I mean he _died_ and we sent him back because he was such a goody-two shoes, but he's _alive_ enough now. Hope he's found a cure for his Terminal Niceness." Hades watched for a while as the _'good doctor'_ proved himself to be a crusty smartass who belittled his staff and complained that the diagnosis was _'never erythematosus'_. "I like him way better now. Should invite him down to the Advent golf course, might be nice." Hades nodded as he changed the scene.

And instantly saw Hercules' face as the brawny demi-god joined with other " _Heroes_ " to battle for justice. Hades mashed the buttons on the box so hard they nearly popped off. "Ugh! Next!"

He was disappointed again. A young girl was prancing around and singing to her schoolmates, who for some reason couldn't freaking see that she was their dorky friend in a hideously bad wig. " _Mili Cyprus_ , GODS, no. Can't sing, can't act, and'll probably get knocked up faster than that Zoe chick. Next!"

Flick. " _You're FIRED!"_ shouted a young man with hair so frizzled it looked like he'd stuck a fork in a light socket fifteen hundred years before it was invented (though his father was working on that). He held up a large vase and laughed like a hiccuping hyena. " _Fired!_ From a _KILN_ _!_ Ya _get_ it? Eh?" The group of workers up to their elbows in clay stared at Icarus, who stood atop a table in his mother's pottery factory, waving his hands. " _C'mon_ , people! _Work_ with me here! Sheesh, you're a lousy bunch of _apprentices_ ," he sulked. Hades could only marvel at the fact that Icarus' hair actually looked worse in that weird ass comb-over.

Flick. "Look, would you just cross over into the light, already?" snapped a pretty woman with long reddish-brown hair. She was about twenty but her attitude was about ninety-five and very cranky. "If I have to deal with _one more ghost_ trying to tell me how they were murdered, I'm gonna find their corpse, dig it up, slap it around for a while, then yell for Hades and have him kill you all over again just to _shut you up!"_ Said god sporfled his juice. "Maybe you should _whisper_ my name, Cassie babe, don't you know that yelling it out usually gets a god's attention? And in my case… well, we've met, remember? Yeesh." He shook his head in amusement.

Flick. "What the hell?" Hades twitched his eyebrows up at the next scene. Apparently there'd been a _'wife swap'_ between the Realm of Monsters and Olympus. Because Echidna was happily stomping through the clouds, laughing at Zeus' list of rules on how to run a household like a proper lady. And Hera had redecorated the monsters' caves while Typhon sat crying into his many tentacles, rightfully terrified of the overwhelming pinkness of everything. Hades just sat shaking his head in bewilderment, not sure who to feel sorriest for.

Flick. "Ah, more heartwarming family life. _According to Standing King Phil_ , anyway," Hades snorted. The retired coach Philoctetes was dealing with the hell of his life as husband to the nymph Syrinx and father to their three odd children. The nymphet daughter yelled that they couldn't tell her _not_ to date a god who was a thousand years older than herself, and stomped away into her tree. The son was clearly Phil's greatest disappointment because the young satyr preferred reading to playing sports. And the baby was still just a sapling in diapers, leaking fertilizer everywhere. "What _is_ this, where the fat ugly bald guy with no personality _always_ manages to land the hottest babe in the land…" Self-consciously, Hades patted his own head through the flames. "Well, I'm not fat. And at least _I_ have personality, or so they tell me."

But now he was depressing himself. _His_ particular hot babe was far away and busy. He'd give just about anything to be with her, to at least see her…

And he _could_ , duuuuuh. Slapping his forehead in a _why-didn't-I-freaking-think-of-it-before_ way, he flicked the buttons on the box and searched for Persephone.

At first all he could see was a blur of green as the scene zoomed in on Nysa Island. The view wound through the trees of her dark grove, which hadn't changed a bit. Eventually the scene stopped on the edge of the stream running through the grove and hovered there. Okay. Where was his wife?

Then, teasingly, there came a flash of golden skin. And a foot, bare and delicate, dipping into the cool water. It slid slowly downward until it was immersed and a knee was now visible. A smooth and supple thigh followed. A curved, luscious hip came into view, and it too was bare.

 _Oh my_. Hades felt his flames grow flamier, and he sank into his chair as a pleased grin snaked across his face.

Slowly, seductively, was Persephone revealed to his adoring eyes. Slim hands cupping fresh water… pouring it down over her throat and onto those delectable breasts… fingers stroking the long red hair from her face, upturned to catch the thin rays of sunlight peeking through the trees… one hand sliding down her throat, down her chest, over her stomach, and further down… _oh my oh my…_

Hades twitched violently and found himself sitting forward on the edge of his chair, panting and drooling like a hungry dog. She was actually… _yes, yes, she was…_

He moaned as she moaned, and heard her whimper his name as her body shuddered so beautifully. His own was shaking with nerves that needed to be unleashed before they burned right through his skin. And just as he was ready to ignite, he saw her face turn toward him… and her blue, blue eyes opened, glazed with pleasure… and then focused… _and winked_.

Her sweetly wicked grin left him with his jaw hanging open. But when her formerly busy fingertips lifted and beckoned him… he leaped from his chair in an explosion of smoke and joined the program already in progress.

What he missed was a news scene flickering across the Tartarus Vision. _King Minos II's eldest son Androgeus has been killed in Athens! The King declares that rumours of his son's involvement in a gambling spree are pure slander and that he believes his son's murder was politically motivated! Crete has just declared war on Athens, and the city-state is calling their soldiers to arms as-_

The Underworld was about to get a hell of a lot busier.

But for a few hours, it would just have to put itself on pause.


	2. Author's Notes & Research

**NOTES:**

 _▪ Certain references to things like the Hall of Infamy and Advent golf course are to be found in HSE's Epilogue, so I won't explain those. Except to say that the timing on Persephone's leaving and returning is very short here, because in HSE the first time was very near the autumn equinox anyway. Imagine Hades' frustrations when the FULL arrangement kicked in the following year.  
▪ **EIRENE**. Goddess of Peace, one of the original three Horae. Not the ten who represented hours of the day, but the three who represented "the correct moment" and presided over matters of justice and law. Sister to Dike (justice) and Eunomia (good order). I give her the task of creating the ancient Greek world's version of Celestial Seasonings tea because of the calming aspects of chamomile, and because the later Roman version also made her into the goddess of Spring based on the mistranslated word "eiarinos" (springtime)._ _  
_ _▪ **HERMOGENES**. One of the exceptionally few known ancient Greek architects. Giving him a home-repair business is just tacky, but what the hell._ _  
▪ **TARTARUS VISION.** In the TV series, Hades claims to have come up with the idea, but honestly it's so much like the Fates' eye that I really felt it ought to be theirs, like a strange wedding present to him (knowing how he'd need it when he was alone). The chair is pretty much the chair he used in the series when watching TV.  
▪ **THE SHOWS.** Every hackneyed stereotype I could toss at you, along with cameos by practically everyone including TV series-only characters._ _  
▪ **GRECIAN IDOL**. Calliope ("the beautiful voiced") is of course the Muse of epic songs/poems. Orpheus we know. Symeno is of course Simon, but the name doesn't mean anything much ("to hold a treaty") that would apply to the actual man.  
▪ **MEGARA & ADONIS.** I was glad when the TV series showed they'd had a past, because honestly it fit what was indicated by the movie. Also, she really was the princess of Thebes in mythology, even if Disney ignored this, so she's been unfairly gypped of "princess" status by their marketing, largely in favour of girls who only became princesses after marriage (Snow White, Belle, Cinderella) or aren't princesses at all (Mulan? Tinkerbell? Really?). Personal opinion – they left her out because she's a smart-mouth and therefore sets a "bad example to good little girls".  
_ _▪ **ADONIS HIMSELF.** There's a myth about him and Persephone, which I consider bogus. His name is almost certainly being confused with Hades' true name "Aidoneus". The pronunciations are virtually identical - Aidoneus is "ay-DON-oos" (the "eu" is not "ee-oo", it's only one sound). Considering that Adonis, in the few stories he appears, is also called by many other titles - such as "demon" and "Euboleus" (another Hades name) - I give no credit to the myth. Don't expect anything more than a token mention of him in any future story._   
_▪ **CSI: ATHENS.** Theophrastus was a student of Plato, and studied among other things biology, botany, psychics and medicine. Strato, a student of Theophratus, specialised in natural science, even theorising about atomic structure. Philo was not a contemporary of the others, but his work involved math, mechanics, artillery. All these things seemed to fit the show.  
▪ **HIPPOCRATES**. In the Hercules TV series, his story is really being substituted for Apollo's son Asclepius, the demi-god of medicine, who was killed by Zeus for raising the dead. In the show he was a righteous do-gooder who ruined Hades' business and was therefore kicked out of the Underworld. Oh, and erythematosus is part of the Latin name for lupus. If you know the show "House", you get it.  
▪ **MILI CYPRUS**. Just had to get a dig in at a modern Disney show. The name doesn't mean much ("mile" and "Cyprus tree") but what the heck. Also, "zoe" (life) is a Greek word as well. Gotta love it.  
▪ **ICARUS.** I love Icarus to bits. And with that hair, who else could he mimic but The Donald. The references to his Dadalus and Momalus are from the TV series and you can find those out yourself.  
▪ **CASSANDRA.** She didn't really talk to dead people in the show or in mythology, but come on – between "Ghost Whisperer" and "Medium" we have too many nicey-nicey women dealing with sometimes nasty dead folk. Might as well let her have some fun.  
▪ **WIFE SWAP.** I hate the show. They pick the most ridiculously opposite families and the ensuing brain pain is too much.  
▪ **PHIL**. Honestly, Hades has a REALLY good point here about these freaking sitcoms. The title is borrowed from "According to Jim", "Still Standing" and "King of Queens", which are three of the worst examples. Syrinx is the nymph Phil dated on the show. Oh, and I really laughed at the thought of a baby tree in diapers. I'm pathetic.  
▪ **PR0N!** In "Hope Springs Eternal", the Fates did consider watching Hades and Persephone's relationship unfold like an early version of the Playboy Channel. And of course they've let her know about their gift to Hades… The rest you can figure out.  
▪ **CRETE/ATHENS WAR.** This refers to the Epilogue of HSE, where the war has already been raging and the dead are piling up in the Underworld._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as a great big THANK YOU to the wonderful people on deviantArt who who went to bat for me (with nails in it) to defeat a thief who posted "Hope Springs Eternal" on another site and claimed it as their own.
> 
> See the [details of the theft.](http://quantum-witch.deviantart.com/journal/29480113)
> 
> Do not republish or distribute this story, in whole or in part, anywhere else without my permission.


End file.
